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Brief Audio Introduction of Marriage and other relationship problems
What is main the root of marriage problems?
Every year, at Z Meditation Center, we see so much suffering in the hearts of very beautiful people. They are all beautiful women and men. They have good, but very soft hearts. This combination of goodness and softness makes them vulnerable!
Every year, we see all of this suffering disappear like camphor!
Sometimes we also feel it is magic. They are taught certain basic principles of peace and a clear way to dig out their unconscious conditionings. They learn how to detach from their hidden stories and within a matter of a few days only, they start blossoming like fresh flowers.
What is it that they learn at Z Meditation Center?
In the briefest terms, it is this:
The understanding that one’s fulfilment comes from somebody else is at the base of all suffering of humanity.
We have to say three things about it:
1. It is an illusion.
2. It is an illusion.
3. It is an illusion.
The truth is that one’s fulfilment is just imagined to be coming from somebody else, but in reality, it does not. It is just this belief that makes one chase others and suffers.
Is the treasure lying in a cave?
Suppose, you are told by your trusted friend that there is a treasure hidden in a cave and he gives you the address of the cave. He tells you that it is only for you; he has not told it to anybody else. You truly believe in your friend. You start imagining things now. You create castles in your mind. You want to reach the cave immediately and grab the treasure.
What is your mental state called? Well, we call it chase mode. Your mind gets into a chase mode. You now want to go there and get the treasure. Your expectations are high; your desires are building up.
Suppose you make all the effort and go to the cave which is about a thousand miles from your home. You drive down for twelve hours. You are exhausted when you reach there. On entering the cave, you see that your friend, who you trust so much, is waiting for you there. He has a key in his hand. He gives you the key and asks you to open a big box. You do that and you see that there is only a small piece of paper lying in the box. You pick up that paper and read it. It says:
Why did you come all the way? The greatest treasure is hidden in your own heart. Happiness and Love are your greatest treasures. Stop chasing and find it within.
Chase Mode is the mental state of almost everybody in the world. Believing in whatever people around us tell us, we begin the chase. The essence of what others are all telling us is that we need to find happiness and love outside of ourselves. We believe in it and live in the chase mode all our life. Despite repeated failures, we don’t learn our lessons. Even when we do learn, the understanding slips away in no time.
A day comes when we are going to die. But even on our death bed, our externalized gaze remains externalized!!! We become such stone-like dullards that no amount of sensible talk can make us sane.
Why is it that almost fifty percent of the marriages end up in divorce?
Most of the couples begin their marriage-life as love-life. Isn’t it? You like the company of somebody and you want to spend all your time with him/her; you like to trust the person and depend upon him/her for everything; you like to talk to the person endlessly. You look for excuses to meet your ‘love’ and spend time with him/her. These are some of the symptoms that you see in people who are said to be in love.
But this usually happens before marriage – when there is freedom of keeping the relationship or breaking it at will. This is the in-built tendency of the human mind that when something is available with effort and there is a chance of losing it, you give it a lot of value; and when it becomes easily available, you start undermining its worth. I liked the statement of a lady in a TV program when she was talking about her life history. She said that her life revolved around just two statements: ‘I love you.’ and ‘Why did I love you?’!!!
After the marital commitment has been made, everything starts changing – in most cases. One starts taking the partner for granted. The inbuilt habit patterns start taking a hold over the mind. After all, how long can you keep this love-band stretched? When stretching becomes impossible, you want to break it. This is called divorce. They say, I am told, in Western countries, 13 out of 20 married people opt for divorce. Six out of the rest seven live together just because there are certain ulterior motives like who will take care of children, what will people say, there is the financial problem etc. It is just one out of twenty who remain together because of love and respect for each other.
Once a student, Marcel from Switzerland, told me in a meditation class that his was one-out-of-the-twenty case. He was fifty-six years of age then and was happily living with his wife for the last thirty years. He said that this was possible because each of them was not seeking his/her centre in the other. They had centred their fulfilment in their own hearts. They were fulfilled within themselves. And they shared their fulfilment with each other. They loved each other, but the love was not based on expectations and desires. Their love was free from any sort of shop-keeping.
What is the main cause of divorce?
What is it that brings about such a drastic change that you are not able to stand each other and opt for separation? Let us try to find out what are the reasons of divorce – what transpires in most married minds and what changes delight into fright. There is an ICA effect which sums up all the reasons of couples choosing to part. Not only for divorce, all inter-personal human problems belong to these three categories:
Infatuation – I love you and I am dependent on you for my happiness. You are made only for me. If you share your love with anybody else, I get scared and possessive. You should only care for me and give me love.
Control – You should follow /do what I expect of you. I know the best. You know much less. You should fulfil all my desires and expectations.
Approval – You should respect me. You should approve me / what I do. You should not disapprove / disrespect me.
The basic root of ICA is the understanding that one’s fulfilment comes from others. Can it ever be true. All these reasons are inter-related with each other. ICA materializes in the form of many tendencies / symptoms which become the apparent reasons for separation:
1. Taking the partner for granted. Doing things that disturb your partner, but you don’t care.
2. Love and respect diminishing with time.
3. Seeing faults in the spouse and not accepting the same faults in oneself.
4. Considering oneself very wise and smart and the partner, dumb.
5. Not accepting the partner with all his / her qualities and frailties.
6. Too many expectations.
7. Expecting care from the partner, but not giving it back.
8. Not appreciating the partner for whatever he / she does.
9. Inability to understand the feelings of each other.
10. Irresponsibility regarding one’s own duties and expecting too much from the partner regarding his / her duties.
11. Pride and resulting anger.
12. Doubting the integrity / character of the partner.
13. Adultery and related indifference to one’s own partner.
14. A lot of differences in qualities and conditionings.
15. Immaturity – childish behaviour.
16. Superiority / Inferiority Complex.
17. Lack of communication.
18. Non-sharing of mutual problems, feelings etc.
19. Selfishness to the extreme.
20. Physical or mental abuse from the partner and his / her relatives.
21. Undue attention to one’s own friends and relatives and not caring for that of the other. Hence, hurting the feelings of the partner.
22. Scorning the partner in front of others to prove that one is always right.
23. In countries like India, there is the problem of dowry also.
24. When the marriage is arranged by the parents, there is hardly any possibility of matching the minds in the beginning itself. Hence, there is a divergence of tastes, which leads to conflict later on.
What appears to be rosy in the beginning tends to become quite thorny later on. Let us accept that it is natural; it is human. The result of ICA is suffering – also for those who are entrapped by ICA – they suffer and cause suffering in the soft and beautiful hearts of others also.
There are two kinds of solutions for all inter-personal problems:
1. External Solutions – you try to unwillingly accept without giving up the real root-causes. You try to bring about changes in the externals, without looking within yourself and detaching from your own habit patterns.
2. Internal Solutions – you detach from your own mental causes and learn to live in positive acceptance.
In our view, it is only the internal solutions that will give lasting and stable peace. The external ones may only give temporary relief – and that also is not for sure.
Now the question is: Which path do you want to take for yourself – the external or the internal?
If you want to outgrow suffering and find lasting happiness in your life, please consider following the internal path. The Divorce Understanding Course of Z Meditation Center will give you a strong foundation and tool to do the same.
Love and Blessings.