It has been in a life changing experience. It is definitely something that I have never experienced ever before and even when I did come here, I never imagined that such a thing would happen to me.
When I fist came here, I promised myself that I’m going to utilize this opportunity to the best possible way and I must say that what I feel right now has transcended that. I told myself that I’m going to be ready for whatever comes my way and that first meant unlearning and relearning. Also, not to judge things before I experienced it.
The first week has been the greatest revelation to me. Everyday, when we learnt of the different illusions, accepting them and looking at those very things that I had lived with as illusions was very weird. But, as I did that, I could experience things differently. The inquiry is by far the strongest weapon (I don’t know if that is too strong a word) that I have learnt to use. It is indeed a weapon because it helped me quash all the monsters in my head. Initially it seemed difficult, the whole meditation and inquiry, because I could never really get myself to meditate.
Honestly, I never knew that meditation meant being aware, because whatever meditation I have done before, I was only told to shut my eyes and concentrate on my breath. No one ever told me that there weren’t supposed to be any thoughts in my mind. Whenever, I have meditated before it has only been a chance for all those million thoughts to take over me completely. Here, I discovered how it really feels to meditate. After a few days into the first week, I could meditate for quite a few minutes. The experience was simply amazing. The feeling of a quieted mind, no inner voice troubling me, the sense of calm pervading through my senses. It was really something I had only dreamt of experiencing. And to experience that peace within me was such a joyous moment.
Truly, the way meditation makes me feel is Addictive. The deep inquiries really pulled out conditionings that I wasn’t ever aware, that they ever existed in me. I never knew those things, which dictated the way I live were in fact conditionings. My biggest stepping-stone was getting over my past, which has haunted me through the years. I have struggled, desperately wanting to let go of it but never knowing how. As a matter of fact, even when the method inquiry was told to us in the initial days, I was able to drop a lot of other things but I still continued struggling to let go of my past. The day the deconditioning method was taught, I tried a lot of times and eventually it was only the next day that I figured how I would do it. When I did it, it was such a liberating feeling. Something that I was struggling with for years was taken off me in a matter of a few minutes. Now, I can gladly say that I have let go of my past without any feeling of guilt, remorse or pain. It doesn’t even feel like I went through pain, when I look back now. It is the Right Understanding, which has helped me.
Another big accomplishment was getting over the depression that I was almost going into. Luckily, even before I could get into it, I’m off it. The way my life was going on at the time I came here, I couldn’t see any hope, or a good future. Everything seemed so confusing, more than it had ever been. It was as though everything was going wrong at the same time and I was running out of strength to handle it. I now feel so much more strong, stronger than I have ever been and feel that I can face anything, which comes my way.
The eating meditations have been something that I have really enjoyed. Firstly, I have never eaten such healthy food for such a long duration. I have never relished vegetarian food as much. In fact, I have never relished food the way I have here. Added to the picturesque surroundings, I just can’t seem to get enough of those snow-capped mountains and the green valley below. It has only gotten more beautiful each passing day. I have always been a nature lover and actually get lost with nature with no other thoughts in my head when see such astounding beauty. But, here with the walking meditations and just the awareness has made me so much more of a nature lover, making me more aware of what I see and observe. I have witnessed so many intricate details and I’m amazed by it. If not for this meditation and the pure awareness, I probably would never have been able to appreciate and understand the beautiful little things around me.
My biggest fear has been to face myself, that is why I always feared being lonely or been alone because then I would have to face myself and the million confusing thoughts, which came with it. I have been a person who always, always thought too much, about every little thing. There has never been a time before this when I’m not thinking of something or the other. With the silence, I overcame my fear of facing myself because I had to be with myself only unlike other times when I would always indulge in something else to make sure I’m not just being with myself and facing Me. But, with the inquiry and meditation I was able to quieten my mind and with the silence I was facing myself completely unmasked.
It has been a wonderful discovery for me. I have discovered myself. I now enjoy being silent and enjoy spending time just with myself. I have been able to appreciate the beauty of being in silence and also the joy of talking.
When the radiant mantras were taught the second week, I was able to meditate for longer and I was experiencing that blissful state of freedom. The discovery of freedom within myself has given me immense joy and happiness. Now, when I meditate, however I’m feeling when I start meditating, at the need of it I realize I have a smile on my face and that feeling of bliss and calmness enveloping me.
These 15 days have been the greatest gift that God has showered upon me. To make me realize myself and my life. I always used to be a confused personality, confused about everything in my life but, that has been because of all those million thoughts that I never took respite form. I now experience what clarity of thought really means. I’m glad that I have grown out of being a confused person to someone who is strong and knows her mind.
I feel so light in my head. I feel love, I can truly feel bliss. I’m finally at peace with myself and my life. These 15 days have given my sweetest gifts –my happiness and my freedom.
I have also got the opportunity to have met such wonderful, caring, loving souls. The world is such a beautiful place, the only thing that matters, is how we look at it. The two most important people I have to mention about – Ajay & Suruchi. I have really seen how two genuine people can just love, like it is your being. It flows like an endless river and has the warmth of wonderful parents. I truly feel that I have been blessed with parents “here and now”, and this I feel from the core of my heart. I have learnt what it is to love unconditioned.
Thank you for all that you’ll have done for me. For everything, I could never thank you enough, even if I said it a million times. Maybe, I’ll just thank GOD for it all.