“I can’t believe it! Again, already fifteen days? After the last retreat I felt pretty good, but I sensed that I had to do it again to gain solid grounding. Since I didn’t want the feeling of peaceful completeness to pass, I decided to join the retreat again. I felt like I needed to hear the things again, for a better understanding and for a better contemplation of the technique.
Well, so I did it! Again! And it was even better than the first time!! At the beginning, I felt like “I know everything! Peace and love? Not a problem for me…” Then I realized that there is a problem. The biggest problem is of my own mind! My mind didn’t let me focus, each time thinking of something else. Most of the thoughts seemed at first very harmless. But, those thoughts were not so naive after all… at least this time I could work on myself, without thinking of my husband most of the time, in a dependent kind of way, like last time. This time, I was free and independent. But, unfortunately, there were/are many other thoughts to get rid off… so I did.
I managed to convince myself that I’m not afraid anymore of any insects. Especially big ones… I used the Mantra “pure joy is peaceful completeness” to do so… I convinced myself that nothing should disturb my peace, especially not a harmful insect! I’ve also used the Mantra “pure joy is mindful balance”, thinking of an image of a meditating person, surrounded by bugs and all kinds of snakes, lizards etc, and keeps meditating no matter what… I realized this person could be myself, in oneness with nature, without fear and with pure observation and total acceptance. I hope and know, I will be able to face those fears, and win them!!!
Another important and major conditioning I managed to overcome was the thought that I should be the best. I could not stand the thought that someone else is better than me in anything. It was awful. I realized that it has a lot to do with wanting to be all the time in the center of attention. It was terrible, because the more I thought of it, the more I couldn’t let go…
So I used the 6 questions to analyze, and it helped a lot in removing this foolish conditioning. But of course, the thing that helped the most, was talking it through. It made me realize that I don’t need anyone’s attention except my own. And besides, people’s attention is most of the time fake! They might just give others attention out of some kind of habit, without really meaning it. I might be doing that to others, also. I must remember that others are usually my mirror. Whatever I dislike in others are usually those things that I dislike about myself. What is the solution to this problem, then? Accept yourself, or better yet, change! In any case, I must accept this character about others!
Then, what about Zohar? Where does he fit into this picture?
Well, for Zohar I have the greatest love of all, but until now, I kept wanting him to change, to become a better person. I was criticizing him all the time. Each one of us wanted the other person to change. Well, not any more! Now I realize that once I stop wanting to change Zohar, my love for him would be much more pure, much more strong. Because if now my love for him is the greatest ever, imagine how strong it would be when I live by the Mantras…
Well, with this optimistic and wonderful feeling of love to everyone, I conclude those fifteen wonderful days! I wish I would never stop loving, and that the number of people in my list of loves would grow every day, every moment…
And thank you, James, for being one of my rocks. A wonderful rock indeed! You have helped me realize one of my basic truths!”
Thank you so much!